I’ve got a date with a complete knockout next week, but I’m a little nervous. You see, I have Restless Legs Syndrome: I feel like ants are crawling under the skin in my legs if I sit still too long. The only way to relieve it is to move around, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stay seated at dinner. My date will think that I’m a complete spaz if I’m constantly squirming in my seat.

One of the most important lessons I learned in the process of reaching player status was that women notice everything. They’re especially observant on dates — they will scrutinize your every move to pick up on the aspects of your personality you’re desperately trying to suppress. You can’t hide anything from a woman you’re trying to date, Jacob: Not the spaghetti stain on your shirt, not the dozens of pornography videos you stuffed under your couch seconds before she arrived at your door

But why hide what you can’t control? In the same way that I couldn’t feasibly dispose of an entire DVD rack of porn in the minutes between my date calling to say she’d be early and my date literally sprinting out of my house in disgust, you can’t subdue your Restless Leg Syndrome. And you shouldn’t want to — your weird, imaginary-sounding disorder is a part of who you are. You just need to present it in a palatable way.

Claim to be a methamphetamine dealer who has begun to dip into his own stash. Face it, Jacob — women love a bad boy, and drug dealers often have quite a bit of disposable income. Each time you feel the urge to stretch your legs, declare that you’re jonesin’ and head to the bathroom for a fix. Disguising your Restless Leg Syndrome as an all-consuming addiction to ruinous narcotics will distort the picture of your identity this woman puts together in her mind.